Self-destruction…

•24 September 2010 • 1 Comment

… comes in many forms. I am very good at the most of them. Maybe not intentional, that would just be silly. But when thinking, I can see that I have done much without even noticing that is indeed very destructive.

Economic Destruction
This is probably what I am best at. Buying stuff on impulse is OK, as long as it’s a chocolate or perhaps a soda. I am more of the “Hey, let’s buy 5 new video games” kind of guy. Then, of course, I go broke very fast and suddenly I can’t pay the bills I had intended. By that time it’s too depressing to even open the letters and suddenly the pile of letters was also very depressing to watch every day. So I put all of them a place I can’t see them. The garbage bin. Unfortunately those letters are like rabbits. Once you get two, they tend to multiply. Fast. This tend to have a rather bad effect on the economy so when I get back on my feet and try to sort it all out, it’s just about as much fun as scrubbing your floor with a toothbrush. This one is under much better control now than it was before by using the strictest bank in the world – The Sister Bank. I transfer my money to an account she controls and then she decides how the money are spent. And if, by any chance, I manage to “forget” to transfer them, well… Let’s just say I won’t forget to transfer my money.

Emotional Destruction
This comes in a very close second on my “Yay, this is a good idea”-list. And this is absolutely not conscious because this is probably the thing I hate the most and struggle the most with. I tend to get interested in people that I know up-front that I have no chance of getting. Either they are straight, not single, waaaay out of my league or just not interested in me. They all have one fact in common and that is that they are not available to me and the knowledge that I will never have them somehow triggers my fucking emotions to start working. I’ve seen this in many guys I’ve fallen deeply in love with… For once it would have been nice to actually find someone I love that love me back. This is probably the one side of my self-destruction that I have the least control of, so obviously it’s the one bothering me the most. I usually have time to stop my self before it gets out of control but it’s still very annoying. Another thing I am very good at doing is to create situations where I get hurt or rejected. Because I know rejection is the one feeling that I do not know how to handle and actually gives me a sharp pain in the stomach, like someone is stabbing me with a knife. Very efficient when you really want to self-destruct in a different manner. And extremely frustrating afterward.

Physical Destruction
This was a bigger problem than it is now. Even though this is probably the one I am fighting the most as well. The desire to hurt myself, punish myself, transfer my pain or just dull it. I am including my fondness of pills here too. Well, I’m not an addict nor do I do illegal drugs but I enjoy the easy way out sometimes. But mostly this is limited to inflicting physical pain to achieve something. Or eating too much. Or too little. Or, as my stepmother would say, by smoking. Aaaanyhow. Inflicting damage or pain on your own body using different methods. Or just exposing yourself to huge risks. Being gay and everything this is very easily done by having a lot of unprotected sex. If you are really “lucky” you can experience all kind of interesting things in areas… Enough about this.

Environmental Destruction
This includes, but is not limited to, letting the area around you slowly but steadily decaying into your own prison of chaos. Or create a hostile environment or by some other action making sure that you have no chance of actually getting the possibility to enjoy yourself, relax or have fun because the first thing you see and the last thing you see every single day is the concrete manifestation of your own mind and thoughts. Cozy. I am very good at this as well. At least I notice this while doing it, I just can’t manage to find the energy to do anything about it. And the longer I postpone doing anything about it, the worse it gets and the more energy does it take to do anything about it. And of course, the worse it gets the less energy I have. It’s a one-way ticket to depression land.

Social Destruction
This might be one of the areas it’s the hardest to notice what you are doing until it’s too late. Basically there are three extremely efficient ways of completely ruining your social life.
* You confide in everyone. Every single person you meet you unload your problems on to the point where they want to run away screaming just because they feel they get dragged down into the depth with you. It’s like trying to save someone from drowning and end up being the one drowned. If people around you stay then they are either doing it out of pity or because the person is struggling too and are using you as a kind of destruction of his/her own. Either way this is a bad move and something that should be avoided. I am very good at avoiding this.
* You confide in no one. You stay silent, shut down. The “Clam effect” and you probably start avoiding other people to prevent the first thing to happen. I am very good at doing this, isolating myself from everyone to “save” them from actually having to be in my company. Usually people tend to take this as a rejection, a sign that you don’t want to have contact with them anymore and they will find a new person to fill the spot you used to have. Soon you will realize you are no longer invited to parties, dinners and so on because you have alienated everyone around you.
* The Explosion. You put on your bravest face a meet the world each day with the intent that no one shall notice how you are feeling. By doing this you are just suppressing your feelings while being around other people, but they will come out to haunt you later. This might end very bad because suddenly you can not hold the act anymore. If people have had no warning and you suddenly transform into a trembling, anxious monster experiencing about every single feeling you can think of at once… They tend to be scared and disappear to prevent themselves from ending up in the same situation again.

Of course there are many other ways to completely ruin every single aspect of your social life too, but I find that generally these 3 are the traps I have stepped into most times.

This post became much longer than I had anticipated and I am sure I have missed out a lot of things, so it might come a part two.
Why did I write all of this? Do you really need to ask that question?

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Depression Madness

•20 September 2010 • 3 Comments

So. It’s a fact. I’m depressed. Again.
Why? You tell me! I have absolutely no idea. I just had a wonderful week in Egypt doing something I liked. I was diving and enjoying the sun, getting plenty of fresh air. My economy is better than it has been in a long time, I am actually beginning to see a glimmer in the end of the tunnel. I like my job and I am doing it rather well. My social life is just fine. I don’t have one single reason and yet the anxiety is sneaking up on me and my mood is decreasing rapidly. And I’m even taking my meds.

I don’t have a reason and I should feel even better than before. But I’m not.
It started a week before I went to Egypt but I was kindly distracted by a 24h virus so I was puking my guts out. While in Egypt I didn’t spend much time thinking and all the activities was distracting me from my own mind. Sometimes I caught myself glooming and did my best to “shake it of”.

I hope the depression doesn’t last for long this time. I have an appointment with a new shrink tomorrow. Unfortunately it’s in the middle of my workday but hey… Who gives out doctor appointments at 6.15 pm anyhow? I’ve never seen that before. Oh well.

I guess I’ll just continue as I’ve done before. Taking each day as it comes and try not to get caught in my own mind traps.

Now THIS is true art!

•15 August 2010 • Leave a Comment

Impressive opening to a gallery, I must say!

I think the human body is a beautiful creation and dancing is a way of exhibiting the body. So… When I say this video on youtube, I just could not stop watching. The most beautiful thing about this is how they have removed the identity and gender of the two dancers, yet making it very… personal. I just love it.

Ambivalent

•14 August 2010 • 1 Comment

I love that word. Ambivalence. It describes very well how I am feeling oh so often. Don’t ask me why, if I knew I would tell. For those of you who might know the meaning of this lovely word I will take the opportunity to teach you something new.

am·biv·a·lence [am-biv-uh-luhns]
–noun
1.
uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2.
Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

Ambivalence is a state of having simultaneous, conflicting feelings toward a person or thing. Stated another way, ambivalence is the experience of having thoughts and emotions of both positive and negative valence toward someone or something. Ambivalence is experienced as psychologically unpleasant when the positive and negative aspects of a subject are both present in a person’s mind at the same time. This state can lead to avoidance or procrastination, or to deliberate attempts to resolve the ambivalence. When the situation does not require a decision to be made, people experience less discomfort even when feeling ambivalent.

Enough with the lecturing and back to the writing. This is basically how I feel about my life all the time. I both love it right now, but yet I can’t help loathing it as well. Much has happened since I last wrote. I am working again, doing a proper job. It’s exhausting and yet fills my days with doing something meaningful instead of just sitting at home doing nothing. But then again I hate working. I feel like I’m not doing anything else. I don’t have time to enjoy myself at all. And the days I’m actually at home with time to spare doing anything, I just waste the day doing absolutely nothing at all…

It’s a long time since I wrote here. so much has happened, yet so little.

I am still fighting myself. I know I am doing the right thing sticking to my work, doing a good job at it as well. Yet the destructive part of me is screaming for some attention. I catch myself longing to ruin something… My work, my body… anything. I constantly feel the urge to hurt myself. The urge to get drunk to the point where I don’t know what I am doing. Go out and get myself into a fight. Something destructive, something stupid. Drugs. Anything. But I’m not. I am ignoring the little devil, locking him away as well as I can. But it scares me. Keeps me constantly reminded how fragile I am. But at the same time I am strong. I am resisting! That ought to count for something.

But in the middle of this I am still happy. Sort of.
I don’t know. It’s complicated.

17:th of May

•17 May 2010 • Leave a Comment

Okay, my last post was a lot shorter than I intended it to be because I suddenly got very tired. So! Here we go again…

Today it’s 17:th of May! For those of you that is not Norwegian, it’s the day we celebrate the Norwegian independence. It’s maybe the most celebrated day in Norway. So I went down to Fredrikstad to watch the parade and so on. I really enjoyed it, even though it was LOADS of people outside but everyone was smiling and having a nice time, so it didn’t bother me much. I think I took a picture as well… Somewhere…. There we go! Later we’re going to barbecue and just relax.

Much has happened since I wrote last time. First of all I have moved to Fredrikstad! Finally! It was not without some issues though. Well, actually the issues arrived when my sister was moving.  Moving van that broke down, cat shitting himself in the car and so on. When we finally got here I had major problems with NAV (Social services kind of thing). They suddenly decided that my rent was too high and refuse to cover it. Luckily I have managed to solve the problem on my own so I have payed for May and got enough money to cover June.

And that leads to the last new thing. Since NAV is acting like cunts I have decided to get a job. After a couple of days applying here and there I got a job in Tele2 as a customer service handler. It’s basically the same job I had when I worked in Telenor so I have experience in that kind of work. It’s a summer temp job but if I do a good job he said the chances of continuing was great.  I will still look around for other jobs though, I can’t assume that I can continue after the summer.

Sometimes I wonder if I am followed my a cloud of bad luck. Sometimes it seems like everything I touch just… Breaks. Like the other day we were in Fredrikstad and on our way home something broke on the car. It turn out to be the suspension that had snapped. I guess it was rusty and so on but still… My computer is wierd too. Some days I can’t do anything because the computer just freezes and I get bluescreens and so on, only to work perfectly the next day.

People around me get fucked up as well. Sometimes I feel like a walking plague. I know it’s not logical and it is probably just a lot of unlucky coinsidences but I can’t help thinking like that sometimes.

And then the sad part. Yesterday, the 16:th of May, a true rock ledgend died. Ronnie James Dio last the battle against cancer and left this world. The little man with the huge voice has been one my favourite artists for many years now and the news that he had died was both shocking and devastating. I find myself in loss of words when trying to explain how I feel about it or describing him as an artist, so I am just going to conclude that it’s a sad day indeed.

I have seen Dio perform live many times and he was an amazing artist. Rest in peace dear Dio, your music will continue to live on for a long time.

Sooo… Yeah.
Write to you later ;0)

They’re comming to take me away, haha!

•13 May 2010 • Leave a Comment

Yes, I have been naughty and left my blog unupdated for way to long. I don’t have a better excuse than the fact that… Well, I have had LOAD of other stuff happening all the time… I’m getting to tired of having to be on my guard 24/7. I want a break, I need a break. Just a little pause where I can catch my breath.  Give me time… I need time. But time is what controls my life. Time and nothing other than time. It’s… devastating.  Money.

Fuck this shit.

I will write more later

Even more exhausted…

•21 April 2010 • 2 Comments

If I thought I was exhausted in march, that was nothing compared to what I am right now. This last week has been intense to say the least. I have packed all my things, moved all of it to my father’s place and cleaned down the entire apartment. Of course I had some help but still… Now I am both physically AND mentally exhausted. But I am excited as well. I REALLY look forward to moving now, getting settled in the new place and allow myself to really relax. And MAN am I going to relax!

I am returning the key to my old apartment tomorrow, so then I am officially homeless for a couple of weeks. Then “My” part is done and I am free to help my sister out. She really needs all assistance she can get considering she is trying to prepare for the move while taking care of 2 children AND her cat has gone mental or something… Out of the blue sky she has started using the beds as her litter box. I think I’ll think again before I complain about Ghost being annoying… Hehehe….

I will get better at blogging once I get my hands on a more stable internet connection… But right now I am too tired and just too much going on to be able to keep it as updated as I’d like… But hey! No one is perfect, right?

I’ll leave you with a video most of you has probably seen, but for those that has not… Enjoy! I am really impressed with the choreography in this one.. Please watch it all, because it only gets better! Sooo.. Enjoy and good night.