I get so upset when I speak with some people… And they ask questions they really don’t want to know the answer of. And if they ask me a question, they will get an honest answer, why should I lie when they ask? Had they never asked, I would never have told them.

And when I try to explain what they don’t understand they say thing like “Awwwh… I understand…” NO! You don’t fucking understand! Have you ever been there? Have you ever hit the rock bottom? Have you ever felt MY feelings? How I experience things? Answer is NO. So stop saying you understand, ’cause you don’t. There are precious few who actually DO understand, and you know who you are!

The persons who I know always will be there for me, and who supports me whatever happens, they don’t need to say “I understand” ’cause they know they don’t. They try their best to help instead of understanding every fucking feeling I have inside me. I don’t WANT anyone to understand. If they truly do, then I feel so freaking sorry for them, ’cause I wouldn’t want even my worst enemy to be able to understand what I keep inside. What I TRY to keep inside. And failing miserably.

Sometimes I have to tell myself reasons why I should keep on fighting, why I should keep on living. I tell myself the things I am good at, a quite short list but there are some things.
I am quite good at writing.
I have some talent as a photographer (a word I don’t think I can spell)
I am better than many people on computers.

But these things doesn’t matter. Really, it doesn’t.
Because the list of things I am worthless at is so much longer.

I spoke with my stepmother the other day, and as usual the conversation turned quite serious. She told me things I already know but don’t want to think about, things that bring up painful memories. One of the things she reminded me of was that we are all here to learn different things, we find ourselves in situations we find hard and challenging, even impossible and we need to learn how to handle these situations. But why the hell do I have so MANY different things to learn at once? Can’t they spread out a little? Some of the things I must sort out within myself makes my heart beat stronger and harder, my stomach tighten to a little ball of pure agony making me feel sick. I got to run to the toilet and throw up, then I feel a little better. I try to get things out of my system in different ways, I try not to run away but actually handle them as they come, but it’s so much! Where should I start?

I just don’t know.
I am not afraid of dying…
I am afraid of dying and never have experienced life.


~ by Methras on 27 March 2006.

One Response to “Gah!”

  1. you’re at livejournal! \o/

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