Confusion.. again.

Yet another night awake. And a day spent doing nothing. Spent the entire day on the couch watching movies, hoping I would fall asleep. It is now 37 hours since I woke up. 37 hours thinking, trying to sort things out. I don’t think watching gay-themed love-movies helped me. Actually it hurt like hell. I long so much for someone to share what I keep inside me. Someone to… I can’t even decide where to start.

2 minutes spent just staring at the screen shows me I don’t know what I want anymore. I am so damned confused.

A feeling is starting to grow inside me. I recognize it, I fear it. Slowly, slowly but still, I think I am growing fond of someone. It’s different from before though.. It’s more like… Gah, me and explaining today. I’m not falling in love, yet. Haven’t known the person long enough yet for that. But a sparkle of hope, a light in the misery I like to call life. Maybe. Maybe some day. I just know I like him a LOT. Anyway, I know the person I am speaking of reads here at least now and then. Hope I don’t scare him away. Funny how these things come when you least expect it or want it?
Oh, I want it.. But… How can I get someone to love me, when I loathe myself?
How can I make someone trust me, when I look at myself with suspicious eyes?

I guess time will show.

Why don’t I take my sleeping medication when I feel like this? When I stay awake for so long? Staying awake this long is not doing my mental health any good.

And I wish some wealthy kind person would pity me and give me some money… So I could get out of this fucking house. It is driving me insane. Or am I insane? Footsteps, sounds of doors closing… Not that I care, but I can’t get myself to rest. I feel so vulnerable.

Well… Now I will try to get some sleep.
Take some pills. Dive into coma for a while.
Hope my thoughts has stopped spinning when I wake up.

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to die in your sleep? When you went to bed just prayed you wouldn’t wake up again. I know it is silly. Things WILL get better. But when? Isn’t 4 years enough?

Latter Days is a great movie, by the way.


~ by Methras on 4 April 2006.

One Response to “Confusion.. again.”

  1. you have my sympathies… i know what its like when your so tired and confused the only thing you know for certain is those two things.

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