I have been thinking for the last couple of weeks. More than usual that is. I always thought I was thinking too much, well… It’s true. I do. Problem is that I keep focusing on the problems, not their cause or the solution. And how am I supposed to become wiser or happier by sitting there thinking about all the problems I got? As if that will help me anything at all. Why not spend that time thinking about how I am going to change things or solve that problems? It turns out that it’s just as hard finding a solution and actually change things. My life feels kind of empty, meaningless (yeah, spelling would be great) and I got stuck in that thought… How much of a waste of oxygen I am. So, I decided to try to find meaning to my life, try to change the angle of my thoughts. Instead of thinking “Why the hell shall I keep on living when nothing really matters?” I changed to “What can I do to make a difference? How can I turn my life into something worth living for?” Well… I am kind of stuck there, but just by breaking the way of thinking I have gotten quite far. Why didn’t I do this years ago? It’s such a simple solution, but still took so long time to realise. Instead of Apathy I need passion for something. A Passion.

I am so damn love-sick these days. Damn spring! Feels like I am in heat. I am so emotional it’s not even funny… Feels like I am going to burst, like I am going to explode emotionally. And I really hope it happens, that I will have a minor breakdown. Not a mental breakdown, of course but… I want to cry, not being able to stop. I want to just… scream. I am not feeling very sad, not depressed as I have been I am just… emotional. I really see it as a healthy thing right now, a good sign.

But about the love-sickness. It’s really nagging on me, seriously. Something I do must be wrong, I just need to find out what it is. I know, in the bottom of my heart, without trying to brag or anything, that I have a lot to give, that many people could and would be able to love ME just as I am. With my scars and flaws. Because I know that I really am a unique person, the kind of guy people describe when they describe their “perfect man”. So, why won’t I let anyone see that side of me? I mean everyone can’t be blind, so it must be something I do to prevent people from seeing it. If it’s one thing I have learned it is that it is never “everyone else” it is something wrong with, It is me. Don’t think I am trying to speak myself down again, ’cause I’m not. I’m just being realistic. Sure, had it been one person it could be that one person, but since it is “everyone” I must be doing something. But what? Perhaps it’s my way of protecting myself that also blocks people out?

What really nags on me as well is how shallow many people are. Sure, they might say “it’s not the looks that matters, it’s the inside” but hey! Realise, if the outside isn’t good enough they don’t even open the present to see what’s inside. I know I don’t look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp but hey! I am not THAT bad-looking either. I know I am not ‘slim’ but I am not that obese either! Must be someone who like what I look like? Or am I delusional? Nah, I can’t be. It’s so many butt ugly persons (only speaking of looks now) that have a girl-/boyfriend so it can’t be impossible for me either. And yes, I know saying someone is butt-ugly isn’t very nice. I should have said less attractive or something, but hey! I’m not perfect! (yet)

Well, people.
Enough wisdom from me on one day… Or rambling… spamming… Whatever ;0)
Cya’ll later! =0P


~ by Methras on 16 April 2006.

One Response to “Missing”

  1. BINGO
    You got it rigth there!! In the middel of all your thougts there it was… The answer to why people cant see you as you are.. or do anything for you… belive me, we are all trying to understand and trying to be there for you.. but what if we feel like we are just naging you? And what if we feel that you dont want us to be there in our own way? That it is “your way or the higway”? You are you and we love you, and dislike you and like you, and get tired of you, and long for you, and all that you do when you have strong feelings for an other person. Look up and stop to analyse your own fellings and start to do one good ded for someone else every day. Its not easy! But it makes you feel good!!
    From a loved one;-)

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