Split mind

I should be asleep right now, but I can’t sleep. Not without emptying my head a little. As always when I watch movies I like, my head starts swirling around like it’s on speed or something. I got no control over the thoughts and the feelings that it brings with it.

This time it was Brokeback mountain that was the damn movie. I really thought it was a happy movie, a movie where it all ended good… But I was wrong. Oh so wrong. I really don’t want to end up like that, all empty and alone. Well, I will never end up QUITE like that, ’cause I couldn’t stand to live in a lie. Walking around denying myself what I truly want.

But then again sometimes it feels so tempting to get a “normal” life… A wife, a dog, a volvo and a nice little house somewhere… 2 1/2 kid and a 9-5 job. but I guess that won’t ever be me. I don’t think I would be happy anyway. Nah, I wouldn’t. Anyway… My life feels quite good now and it’s just one tiny bit that isn’t there… someone to hold. I guess it will come in time, I only pray it will be sooner than later.

Sometimes I feel I am SO prude, and should “let loose” more. But then again that isn’t me. I guess I could get drunk, find some ugly bastard and have a hot night somewhere. Or two. Or five. But I know I wouldn’t enjoy it, it would give me nothing. “Do we die for love or do we love to die?” Quite interesting question… I spent the entire ride home thinking about that while waiting in a phone-queue… I couldn’t come up with a satisfying answer, really. I almost wrote I would love to die, but that isn’t true, really… There is so much I need to do, so much I need to experience until my time here is over. Some things I don’t think I’ll ever do, but I should and I know it.

Actually, the truth is I am quite fond of someone, someone I doubt I’ll ever get. He has some issues with himself and will never accept the fact that someone can care about him. Sometimes I just want to slap him, maybe that will bring him back to reality. Then again it probably would only make things worse. It’s hard to really care about someone and not being able to tell them, because you know it would only make the matter even worse. I will just have to swallow it and get over it, as I have done so many times before. But it hurts just as much each time. But I am stronger than before, and I can handle it. Even if there WAS to be something between us, I doubt he would dare to let me close enough, to open up and accept all that I wish to give… So I would just be frustrated and miserable. But then AGAIN I could be wrong. There is always the possibility that I’m wrong, however small it is (in this case)… The person I’m talking about should know who he is, so.. Well… That was my confession. Next step is up to you! ;0)

Yay… Midnight. Only 5 hours until I am supposed to wake up. Oh well.
Perhaps now I can sleep.
Take care everyone!


~ by Methras on 29 June 2006.

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