~* Weekend *~

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster, and other rollercoasters.

On the Friday I got some sort of crisis, started to doubt things around me, my life and in myself as a person. When I got home from work I were so exhausted I had to sleep for a couple of hours before I dared speak to anyone because of my bad mood. I got the wrong kind of feedback from the wrong persons at the wrong time, thats all… Nothing really serious. When I woke up on saturday it was all better.

Saturday was… undescribeable. I went to Tusenfryd (an amusementpark in norway, outside Oslo) with a friend and we had a great time. well, we got kind of stuck in traffic on our way there, but we got there eventually and MAN was it fun! We took everything there we both wanted (Wich was the same things actually) and even bought us a pair of photos from one of them. It’s always nice to have some memories to look back at if my own memory decides to get a new black hole, or void or something… Then we did something extreme (well, to us it was anyway)… The SkyCoaster! Let me explain to you what I went through, ’cause it was quite much…
First we signed some form, wich kind of felt like I was writing my will, or death sentence. I am so damned scared of heights it’s not even funny… We had discussed it earlier that day, if we should do it. Both of us really wanted to, but we were not sure if we dared. But then I decided I really wanted to do it, and my friend was with me on it. We were to face our fear; height.
So we signed and got some kind of suit on us. I spoke a lot with the woman who helped me putting it on and she kind of made me feel a little more relieved. We got up there, they put the straps on us and we “fell” forward and they started dragging us back upwards. Inside I felt like everything had turned to ice, my stomach was a small knot and I had trouble breathing. But as the good actor I am, I tried my best to seem calm, much becasue of my friend who I wanted to calm down a little… halfway up he started shouting to the lady down there to let us down, but she didn’t listen.. And had she even thought of it, I think I would have refused her to do so.. I wouldn’t let my friend take the easy way out when we both had gotten so far. We got to the top, 33 meters above ground, only held by a wire. My task was to pull the line wich let us loose so we could fall. I heard her shout from down there “3… 2… 1… FLY!” and the microsecond from she said fly to I actually pulled the wire seemed like a whole minute to me. I was sure I was going to die, and my whole body got all calm, as this wonderful feelings rushed through my body. It’s undescribable really, there is no words strong enough to explain what I felt up there. I turned my head and looked at my friend and at that moment I realized that if I died now, it would be worth it just to experience that very flash of a second.
Then I pulled it, and we fell. It was only a couple of microseconds again where we actually fell freely, only the gravity controlled our bodies. And I am sure my heart skipped a beat or two. but it was… amazing. A rush, a kick an experience I wouldn’t have missed for the world. No drug I have tried so far has given me anything even compareable to what I experienced. Then I felt the rope taking hold and I felt so free, so alive. And there we flew back and forth, only enjoying the rush going on in our bodies. We were hanging so close together I almost felt like we were one, we had shared yet another moment in life, we both will never forget. I am really glad it was with him I did this.
Proud and very shaky we sat down for a long time and shared the moment again, verbally and for the first time I saw something I had never seen in my friends eyes before; proudness of himself. I am glad I was there to share that moment with him.
Later that evening we went over to my place and ate dinner at the restaurant nextdoor, then shared a bottle of wine and saw a movie with my sister. It was really nice spending more time with him, doing stuff. I think he had a good time and I really enjoyed it. We went to bed quite late and woke up later both hot as cooked sausages.

The sun had warmed my room as usual so it was like a sauna in here. I am quite used to it so I didn’t really mind but he really seemed warm. Then we went up to the balconny (or outside area) of my fathers house and I made some breakfast while I watched my sisters daughter while Kaisa took a shower and so on. Unfortunately my sister had been wrong about the time my father came home and he got all upset about me being there, especially with a friend. He were at least polite enough not to start an argument until I had driven my friend home. He has all this issues about his “privacy” I seem to violate all the time not knowing it. Yes, I know I ate of his food, but so fucking what? He know I don’t have a fridge nor a kitchen and all my food, the little I got, is up there. And seriously… What privacy can I violate by taking a friend outside? I clearly don’t understand how he thinks and what he see as privacy. I hadn’t even been up there if my ister didn’t ask me to babysit her daughter. We were on our way to the gas station to buy some food when she asked me if I could watch Nathalie. I didn’t think my father was comming home for serveral hours anyway, so I didn’t think more of it. But well. He did come home.

Then my aunte, her husband and my cousine came to visit us. My cousin is leaving for Australia in a couple of days and will be there for almost a year, so this was my chance to say goodbye. They were going to help my father get rid of a boat by sinking it in the ocean, but the water was so low they ended up damaging their own boat instead. I told my father I thought it was a really bad idea sinking the boat, and he snapped at me. Okay, he was grumpy about me eating upstairs and all that but he really didn’t have to use that tone at me and I got really furious. Instead of making a scene out of it and tell him what I really felt about his damn tone and completely fucking IDIOTIC idea, I walked away. I am really proud I managed to, since I was not at all happy about what a big thing he made this “eating with a friend on HIS property” thing… This really shows that I have made progress with myself and I am proud. Really proud… Then he made me drive my sister to Oslo, somehting I really didn’t want to do since my car is all fucked up and it’s a really big responsibility driving an infant. But I agreed to do it after some preassure from him. And if I hadn’t I know he would have been mad at me, ’cause he then had not been able to drink while eating. When I came home a couple of hours ago I sat down and started writing this, then he asked me to help him with something and I did… So I said again I thought it was a really really bad idea to get rid of the boat in the way he is going to. You don’t make a boat sink down in ocean to get rid of it… That’s a fucking big violation to every environment law there is, and I will not be a part of it or knowing someone does it without saying what I think about it. But he just ignored me and started the discussion about this “eating with a friend on HIS property” thing… Can I expect more from him? No, I guess not. Do I care? Yeah, I do…

I knows deep inside he must love me, or I wouldn’t have been able to live here without paying a dime… But he really makes me feel bad sometimes. Like now, my stomach hurts like hell. He makes me sick to my stomach when he starts, and… Well. I guess I must find some way to handle his.. wierd ideas and discussions… He has brought me down before, but I won’t let him do so again. Not now. He is much better now, after he met his girlfriend but still.. Sometimes he is unbearable…

Sooo… I have emptied my head from thoughts and feelings,it’s WAY after midninght, my stomach still hurt as hell, but I will get some sleep. Work tomorrow…


~ by Methras on 2 July 2006.

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