Strange Strange Strange

Hello everyone and no one.
It’s been a long time since I wrote anything here and I suspect that those that once upon a time maybe actually READ this journal has stopped by now. Well, I don’t really care. I just need to type some stuff off my chest and you know… empty myself a little. As I said, it has been too long and I barely know where to start. But I guess I’ll have to start somewhere.

Today I visited the doctor. The psychiatrist… I hate those people. They bring back so many terrible memories and I only feel worse when speaking to them. As if I am reminded of what a nut case I were. I am. They make me feel even worse than I think I am, maybe because I actually have to speak about it, reflect about it, think about it… And then I actually realize just how fucked up I really am. The good thing though is that I hopefully get my medication again soon… Living with untreated ADD is not fun. Not fun at all, to be honest. Mostly because I have such a hard time dealing with my emotions, I’m like a walking PMS bomb… Mood-rollercoaster here I come!

And I feel alone. So damn fucking alone. I got people around me, but a very few that’s actually involved in my life. I am sure there are people who care that I just don’t realize are there, but nonetheless I feel alone. Abandoned. Like an outcast. No one can truly understand how I feel and see things from my angle, with my experiences. Sometimes I wish the human kind could be guest in each others minds. Just… Visit another persons mind and feel what it’s like to be him. See the world from another angle. I sure as hell would like to do that, I think that would have been a rewarding and interesting experience for me. For everyone. Why didn’t mother earth think of this when humans were evolved? Maybe someday we will. That would possibly end wars and let people understand and accept that we are all different, with different views of value.

Right now I am in pain, heartache. And it sucks. I managed, yet again, to fall for a straight guy. Yay for me. Why do I keep on doing this to myself? Let myself fall for someone there is NO WAY I can get? Why do I even bother to see the wonderful person in front of me? See all the good and interesting in him, reflect on his appearance and find the small details only I see that makes a person truly beautiful in my eyes? “You should just accept the fact that you love him – as a friend” someone told me. Yeah, that’s all good and stuff. But do I really dare to keep someone as a friend, close to me, when it hurts this bad? With Limpa it turned out to become a disaster before it came anything good out of it, and I would never want to put someone through what I made Limpa go through before.

At least I know. At least I recognize and understand what I am doing with people around me. How I affect them. How I hurt them. How I make some people smile occasionally. How I make them angry and sometimes sad. But in the end, I always hurt them. I am a walking disaster, a ticking bomb of pain. Stay close to me and you are just waiting for the next time I will hurt you. “that’s not true” some people would have said had they read this, “We love you the way you are!” Maybe, but why? Is it because I am such a wonderful person you just can’t help loving or is it out of pity? I would give my vote on the last thing.

I know I am sounding all dramatic and a lot of “boohoo – me so sorry – feel sorry for me!!!” and it’s not intended to be. And frankly I don’t give a shit what you think. You are the one reading in MY journal with MY thoughts.

Well… What else? I am still fucking single, of course. I only fall in love with straight guys. I don’t have a job, they fired me while I was gone sick on doctors leave thing. My work on this private WoW server called Rockstar is progressing quite well… I get more and more responsibilities. I think I will have to resign some of them soon, so I don’t wear myself out too much. I just had a  vacation and then I got sick and even though I am still active I am not as active as I would like.

It’s fucking Christmas.
And I’m fucking alone.
I want someone to give all those presents too…
The ones I can’t give anyone else.

~ by Axel Aubert on 12 December 2006.