Oh fuck it!

Seems that this journal has spread further than I realized. And I haven’t decided if it’s a good thing or not, to be honest. I don’t know why he looked for it, how he found it or if someone gave the link to him, but my father has gotten the URL to the journal now. I am really split about it, because one side of me feel that I’ve lost my sanctuary, the one place that could act as a trash can for my thoughts. The other side of me feel it might be good for him to read what I write, because maybe then he can understand a little more of what I truly FEEL… Not only judging me by how I act.

So I have decided that no matter who actually read this, I will not stop writing. I need to write it out, just to relax a little more. Sometimes it’s easier to write it all out, instead of saying it. Some people cry, some people scream, some people break stuff, some people get drunk or use massive amounts of drugs, some people hurt themselves; I write. And listen to loud music ;0)

My father confronted me with my life today, from his perspective. Although I don’t agree with him on several points of what he said (simply because he still don’t know how I think, how I feel or how I handle stuff) but some of the things he said is true. At first I was angry, then I was hurt because he’s so damn harsh or.. cruel. Then a lyric came to my mind, something I noticed a while back. “Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.” And maybe that’s what he is doing. Trying to help by kicking me in the stomach and letting me figure out why he did it. Oh well… Not a fan of that approach but hey!

The main issue he had was my life. How I am wasting it sitting down in this basement, by my computer… Not doing anything worth speaking of. Well, I can admit that I do spend a lot of time here. I spend much more time by the computer than is healthy. Why? Who knows… Probably because lately I have had a hard time getting out. The thing is that I’ve become afraid of going out, in a completely ridiculous way. Whenever I think about going outside, my entire body is filled with agony. Not the pain-related agony but the cold knot you get in your stomach, spreading up your spine… Like when you’re caught red-handed doing something… The kind of panic feeling… Yeah… Well… I know it’s silly and all that, it really is. And the thing that scares me the most about this feeling, what I REALLY don’t like is that I know this feeling so well. It was the same kind of feeling haunted me while I lived in Sweden… And I know that when I actually go out, visit friends or party, I really like it. And I enjoy myself. But the next time I’m thinking about it, the same feeling fills my entire body. And I really don’t want to feel it, I don’t want to have to fight myself just to go to the supermarket.

It’s just not logical. And as my father made sure to point out “You can manage to do everything you really want to do!” like go to Sweden, concerts and so on. I guess it’s just a matter of priorities. And if it’s a good day or a bad day. I have never told anyone about this feeling as I am really ashamed of it. I feel so damn weak… It’s something I really need to overcome. I remember how I used to handle the feeling. 20 minutes before I left home, I took some pills to calm me down to the point where I didn’t feel anything about going out, then I did it. Well, guess what! I am not going to let the pills take control of my life any more. No no no. This is my life.

And then he told me I had to make plans for my future. Not my entire life, but the nearest time… Try and figure out what to do, to break this circle I am in. And yeah, I agree with him there. I need to find something to do with my life. Get out more and so on. And guess what, I realized that a couple of weeks ago myself. And I will. I don’t know why, but I get really annoyed when my father tries to tell me what to do. Not only about this but more or less every time he tells me how to do stuff or what not to do or what to do or whatever….I guess it’s natural and we’ve always had a very.. turbulent relationship. It’s no news that we fight a lot and maybe that will come to an end at some point.

But then again, maybe not.


~ by Methras on 15 January 2007.

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