Life is life.


Uhmkay. So! It has been a little more than one year since I last updated the journal. As you all might realize, one year is a very long time and much has happened during the last year. And quite frankly I don’t know where to start right now.

I have noticed I always return here when I just need to open up a little, get some steam out of my system, or so to speak… Just get it all out and hope that things will get better or something. The biggest change in my life is that I moved from my father. That was probably one of the smartest things I have ever done. With the added distance between myself and my father, things have gotten better, both between us and for me as I am no longer bothered by many of the things that hung over me like a dark cloud before.

And I have started working again. And I am scared. I am seeing the same damn circle forming all over again, the same that always seem to return when I make a change in my life. The first period of time it is just great. I enjoy it and feel comfortable and see that it is something that I can actually manage. Then the time comes, when suddenly everything around it gets dark. I get more and more tired, I get so damn exhausted I can barely sleep at night. Have you ever felt that? It’s rather annoying! Anyhow, so I am working now. And yes, I am working a lot and it’s not very encouraging, truly… I got more money when I was unemployed than I do right now, when I am working 8-12 hours a day. Wonderful!

But that’s not the worst part right now… The worst is that I am going through yet another crisis… And it’s REALLY bugging me. A lot. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer recognize myself. I am not the person I once was. I used to be rather cheery and happy, joking a lot, laughing even more. Maybe careless, but I allowed myself to have fun. Now, I feel boring. REALLY Boring. I have lost myself somewhere and I can’t find him. I know how I want to be, how I would like to think and react, but I don’t. I react totally different, I behave differently. When I think back, maybe this is how I’ve been all along? The “me” that I want to be again, is the “me” that burned deep marks in his arms, drugged himself down to unconsciousness and ended up in the mental hospital. It’s probably not the person I would like to be again, but I remember myself quite differently. But then again, how much do I really remember from that time? Not very much, to be honest.

Anyhow… I feel like I have been beaten down and tamed. Like a young stallion, wild and free… That suddenly wakes up and realizes that someone has castrated him and converted him into a meek horse in the local riding club. Society got me, and I am trying to adapt as good as I can, follow the flow and just be like everyone else. I try so much to fit into society, that I go against myself and my own values and beliefs. I have never been “normal”… I am gay, and I have always had a different way of thinking than people around me. I have been so damn frustrated at other people, them being blind and stupid, not realizing what is truly important in life. They don’t understand. And some of them never will, and I just have to accept it’s not their time yet, they are not ready.

I read about extremists and “terrorists” blowing up their schools or killing a lot of people to be heard. I can’t say I agree with them or their methods, but I have been afraid many times… Where is my limit? How far could I go if I was pushed? Probably all the way. Scary thought but thats just the truth of it.

I don’t feel anything any more. I just “am”… When I was on my anti-depressive pills I often felt this way. I wasn’t unhappy about anything particular it was just the whole thing. I feel like an empty shell someone else dropped and I moved into. That’s quite wrong too, since there is no “me” any more. “I” am gone. Why am I still going on? Well, I can’t be arsed to do anything about it at the moment. It’s not worth giving anyone grief about. Some people would take it personal and probably blame themselves, other would be miserable for a time. I know some people love me, but how can they love “me” when “I” am no longer here? My life lacks content, it’s just empty. Is this what life is all about? Working to earn money so you can survive to work some more? Love is more or less non-existent in my life at the moment. I can’t say I feel love for anything any more. Everything I used to care for, is all gone. I don’t feel it any more. And I am so damn tired… I am so exhausted, I can’t even explain the total and utter feeling of hopelessness, and complete apathy that haunts me.

The spark that once was in my soul is dead. It’s just gone. I have no goals in life any more. The stuff I used to fight for, doesn’t matter to me. The dreams I once had, has faded. My memories seems like distant dreams. When I look forward, I just have to set a date rather near and fight my way towards that one date. One day at a time, one slow hour after another. I need to find my spark again, or my very soul will die.

But where is it?

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~ by Methras on 8 February 2008.

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