Getting Tired


I didin’t have the energy to write anything yesterday, even though I wanted to. Why? Don’t know. Well, that’s not entirely true… On friday I had a very “heavy” day for me… First I took the bus into Drammen to see my shrink-nurse-thingy and thats always a very exhausting experience. I try NOT to focus on my problems, and here I have to elaborate everything into the smallest detail, and even though it feels good to get it out, it’s very exhausting to analyze them that carefully.

madaboutyou1bymjranumstock
Mad About You
They are comming to take me away, haha!

So, she decided that I was in no state of mind to take care of myself on my own right now, and sent a request to a long-term psyciatric hospital so I will probably get admitted there sometime in the future. Don’t know when, but I can’t say I give a shit either.

Then I went to Oslo to a meeting with “Ukjentfestivalen” because I am taking a part there to atleast have something of value in my life. And I love music. Anyhow, I was officially appointed two areas of responsibility. I am responsible for the BackStage Area and Marketingassistant. Both jobs are something I know I am very good at and will be able to do well, so I guess I just have to hope that my fucking head gets better before it’s time to actually go there in the end of the month… Actually, it’s only 5 days left now. Next weekend.

untitled
Ukjentfestivalen

When I got back I was totally exhausted. Being outside my house more in one day than I have been for the last two weeks is a very big step and I was very frustrated I didn’t have more sedatives so I could get some rest. But then again, they don’t really work very well anymore. I have to get stronger ones from my doctor tomorrow… But I survived, I didn’t freak out, but then again I wasn’t alone either.

So that was atleast SOMETHING to be “proud” of. But I am struggling a LOT with my thoughts these days, and I am very grateful that I have someone that is staying here, even though at times I hate it. And it’s the times where I hate it that I need it the most. The times where I feel the need to do stupid things that I can not do when other people are around.

It’s scaring myself, really. The one person I should always be able to trust, to a certain degree, and feel somewhat comfortable in the company of, myself, is the person scaring myself the most these days.The thoughts that haunt me is dark and scary, yet so very very tempting. I have a wish to inflict massive pain on myself, an urge to feel my blood streaming down my arms and dripping of my fingertips down on the floor. The rush that comes with it… The thing is that when I am thinking about it, I get butterflies in my tummy, as if I were in love and it was the person I thought about. It’s VERY hard to resist.

pulsinghopesbychibijackinthebox
Pulsing Hopes
The temptations… The longing…

These thoughts are so strong, so tempting that I have started dreaming about them at night… The images from my dreams are flashing by in my head making it even harder not to do anything. I just don’t know how much longer I will be able to resist this, how much longer I can stay strong. Even though someone is here.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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~ by Methras on 4 March 2010.

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