Post number One

Alright, so let’s get this baby started. Before I start my complaining, I will introduce myself a little.

My name is not important, so that is about the only thing I will not share openly, but the people who want to know will have no trouble figuring it out eventually, and the people who know me will also know who I am with no trouble at all should they stumble on this page by accident.

I am currently 25 years old and I live in Norway. “Well, if you are from Norway, why do you write in English?” Well, that is a question I have answered many times. Basically it is because I find Norwegian a very limited language. A language hard to express myself in. Secondly it is because I have lived in Sweden for 10 years, and went to the majority of my school-period in Swedish schools, so I actually feel more comfortable writing Swedish than I do Norwegian. So I have decided to write in English because I can actually express myself better in English, although it is my third language. But as it is my third language, I do mistakes. Grammar and sometimes spelling… You will just have to live with that. As long as you get the whole picture, I am not fuzzed about a word here and a sentence there.

So, as I said, I am 25 years old, live in Norway and I am gay. And no, this will not be my chronicles of conquests, listing and giving explicit details about my sex-life, however I have marked this blog as inappropriate just because it gives me freedom, should I be tempted to write curses and juicy descriptions. I am just covering my own back and making sure that no one will close me down.

So, who am I? Well, that is complicated, and sometimes I don’t even know the answer to that question myself. Really, I don’t. I know the basic stuff, my interests, my experiences, my CV and so on and so forth. But does that really define me as a human being? I don’t know… The funny things is that now, by writing this, my anxiety is creeping up on me and my hands start shaking, making me get ashes into the keyboard while typing. Why, I wonder. Is it so hard for me to try and identify myself? Is it so hard to think about who the fuck I am? I mean, it is a simple question, isn’t it?

I have been struggling the last 10 years with different things when it comes to mental health. I have been suffering from depressions, anxiety attacks, strange thoughts, ADD and so much more. Basically, no one would consider me to be a stable person. Well, that’s a lie. No one that KNOW me will consider me to be that. I am very good at hiding what I feel, what I think and keep it inside. I have experienced friends running for their lives to get away from me once I shared the “True Me” with them, although I consider myself harmless. I just don’t want to bother other people around me with my problems, when we live in a world where everyone has problems of their own. I know I am not the only person who struggles, I know I am better of than so many other people in the world. So don’t get me wrong, I know.

Right now I am on sick-leave, well basically I got fired just before I went on sick-leave. I have had troubles keeping a job or keeping a hold of my life for as long as I can remember. And then there is the things I just cant remember. Funny how the mind just blocks those memories it doesn’t want to remember out… Just… Black parts. Usually I can remember it slightly when someone talks about it, then it fades away again. I used to work as an IT-Consultant and salesman, so I guess you can call me a geek. I have always been, actually. When I was younger I used to play Role-playing games like Dungeons & Dragons and so on, and I still play a lot of games. One of them used to be World of Warcraft, and I will probably start playing it again some day. So yes, I am a geek and that is one thing that does not bother me at all, to be honest.

Other than that I love photography, diving and being out in the forest… Not that I am out in the forest very often, but I do love it there… So. That me in a nutshell.

Hmm, I have the distinct feeling that this blog will be a lot of rambling. A lot of ranting… Just a lot of words, basically. Someone might enjoy reading it though. I know I will, in the future. More like a diary than a blog. A letter to myself.


~ by Methras on 4 March 2010.

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