Suicide Solution

Sooo… I was going to rant about gay guys today, but somehow I found other stuff to fume about.

Suicide! Who ever thinks that is a good idea should think again. I mean, I have suicidal thoughts often and I have done some attempts myself, so I kind of understand the state of mind you are in when trying. However, something happened yesterday that made me furious. Something unacceptable and very very wrong in every kind of way I can think about.

My ex has a lot of issues. And I do mean a LOT. For starters she is a lesbian transgender female in a biological male body. Yeah, how I ended up with a lesbian girl is amusing enough as it is, and might certainly be worth a rant on it’s own, but thats not what I am going to discuss today. She has a lot of issues and some of them are harder to deal with than others. Yesterday I got the news that she had been turned down by this straight girl she fancied and I assumed she was going to take it rather bad, considering that the same obsession with the same girl got her commited to a mental institution not that long ago.

So I tried contacting her but could get no answer anywhere. Basically I know she had tried to commit suicide (well, atleast in her mind. No way would that few pills kill her) in september so I knew she was still very unstable. I convinced a friend of mine to drive me over there so I could check on her. She was on the sofa drugged down and I told her to take some sleeping pills, go to bed and get a good nights sleep and call her doctor the next morning.

We went home and some hours later I received a text message. “I fail at fucking everything. I can’t even shash my wrists because my fucking knives are too blunt”… And immediatelly I felt rage. I mean, if you are going to commit suicide and get it over and done with, why send out SMS’es like that? It’s just fucking evil! So there I was, debating myself what to do next. Obviously she wanted me to call her, come over or do something that showed that I cared. To be fucking honest, I could not have cared less. I am in no mental state to cope with this kind of shit and she is one of the major stress-sources in my life right now.

So. What to do? Should I just ignore it and pretend I never read that? Or should I actually go over… But then, I figured that it would take me too long to walk over there anyhow. If she was really trying, then the 45 minutes walk would be fatal anyhow. And I could smell the drama tendencies a long way and kind of doubted how serious she was. In the end I concluded that I had to shove the responsibility on someone else. So I called an ambulance. I told them about the suicide attempt in september, I told them about her files in the mental institution and I told them about what had happened earlier that day and the SMS I had received, and basically said that what they did next was up to them. I had reported what I knew and hoped they would be able to handle it.

Rather pleased with myself I took a cigarette and thought “Hah! IF she wants drama, she just got it. And atleast she will be locked up in the mental hospital again for a while so she wont be able to anything.” While thinking that my MSN started beeping and this nice guy I have barely gotten to know yet sent me a message:
14.10.2009 00:48:14 * Thank fuck

14.10.2009 00:48:15 * says: I just took 20 paralgin forte (as opposed to the 8 I took last time), 2 vallergan and scratched my wrist 8 or 9 times if you want me to live I suggest you get someone to call an ambulance

Soooo… She had sent that message to this poor guy in england that had no knowledge about the norwegian system and did not know how to reach anyone else than me in Norway (Except for the fact that she had kindly provided my cellnumber too) and given HIM the responsibility that she survived? I mean… What. The. Fuck?

So I called the ambulance again and provided them with the new information. I heard the woman providing the information to the car and she told me they would take care of it.

So, she is still alive. I am not sure I am happy that she is alive, because frankly I think she deserved to die. Acting that way is so fucking selfish. Not only do you try to kill yourself, that is bad enough, but she does her best to drag everyone around her, everyone she could reach anyhow, down with her. That is even MORE selfish than commiting suicide. What if she, by accident, actually managed to do it? She would have ruined my life for not acting faster. She would have destroyed this poor english guy because he would blame himself aswell. Basically she would have not only killed herself, but also the people around her she decided to bother with all of this.

What really made me fucking angry though are some of the statements she came with today. First of all she says, and I quote:

14.10.2009 13:50:10 * i don’t know how it even got round to you in the first place
14.10.2009 13:50:11 * you shouldn’t have been involved

Soo… Thats why she sent me the SMS about not being able to slash her wrists? And gave the english guy MY phone number? Sure. Thats a nice way of showing you do not want someone involved. And then I got this message:

14.10.2009 14:26:49 * There is no point me going to lier for technical reasons everyone here including me is agreed on
14.10.2009 14:27:30 * If i wanted to go to lier i could and the offer will still be open when i go home, but it’s a waste of time
14.10.2009 14:27:38 * It won’t help with the core issues

They are letting her out of the hospital to go home. Yeah! Thats a fucking brilliant idea! She should be commited and be forced to stay there until she had received some help dealing with this issues. This basically means that what I did yesterday was of absolutely NO use. Oh, and then I got this, the best one:

14.10.2009 14:35:13 * I haven’t done anything to hurt you, why are you hurting me

Not anything to hurt me… No.. Not at all. She is just sending messages about commiting suicide to a depressed guy with major anxiety problems. That doesnt hurt at all! Of course, she ignores the fact that my anxiety level was multiplied with 10 and that my stress level was multiplied with 100 and that I am absolutely unable to calm myself down because of this.

What she did and how she is handling this is so self-centered and egoistic that I can not find words even scratching the surface of what I think of her and what she did at the moment. If you are going to commit suicide, be a fucking decent person and not tell anyone about it? Or make it look like a fucking accident.

So…Right now I am struggling a lot. I have a very hard time handling my anxiety and I feel sick to my stomach. It is 6 pm and I havent been able to eat anything the entire day because I am afraid to throw up. I am shaking and I feel like utter shit. I was hoping writing this would let som steam out making me able to rest but no, it didnt help this time. It’s too close and too heavy to handle just yet. I really, really have to find my own way to calm me down about now… Maybe eating is a good idea? Comfort food is supposed to help when you are upset.

Who needs enemies with friends like this?


~ by Methras on 4 March 2010.

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