They are comming to take me away, haha!

Sooo… Here I am again, completely clueless about what I am supposed to write about, so I’ll just start writing and see where it ends up. I have moved my blog today because I thought this place gave me much more flexibility in the changes I can do to the appearance of the blog. Sooo… This is just the start, once I come across a wave of creativity I will finish the layout. This will have to do, for now. This made the rest of my blog look extremely dull, because I couldn’t be fucked to move any of the pictures. So I will have to be better at adding pictures in the future, so it doesn’t look so freaking boring.

~*~ Lets start with one of my favourite pictures! ~*~

This picture is just incredible.
So simple yet so meaningful

I think one of the reasons why I love this picture so much is because it very well describes my mood at times and I can really relate to it. At the moment I am still suffering from one of the worst depressions of my life and every day is a battle against my own head and my own thoughts. The anxiety and my unstable nerves that cause my body to tremble is just one of the few issues I have to face, and those are the minor ones. The bad ones is my own thoughts, my longing to hurt myself and the need I feel to get the rush of having blood running down my arms again. But I am fighting it, and I am fighting hard.

To prevent myself from overdosing on pills again, I have left all my pills to the nurses that comes to my apartment twice every day to give me my medication and to check that I am still alive. Yesterday a guy came to my apartment and installed one of those key-boxes outside my house that only the nurses have the key for… So if I isolate myself and dont open the door, they will lock themselves in and check on me. Hopefully, it will never have to be used, but the knowledge it is there is a security of sort, I guess.

I don’t know what more to do about this, to be honest. It feels like I am sitting in here just growing older each day. I have stopped exercising at the moment because I can’t stand the people at the gym. I can hardly get myself outside to check my mail because the small step to get out through the front-door feels like a hundred miles. At least.

At times I am thinking if it is all worth it. Really? Is it worth going through all this freaking hell, just to see the day after and probably face the same fucking thing all over again? Sometimes I am tempted to leave society for a while. Find a cottage in some deep forest and just stay there and get away from everything, away from stress, pressure and the expectations everyone around you got. I feel guilty for causing my friends and family so much worry… When I eat I do it with guilt, I don’t deserve the food that I eat. I am not worth it.

I know all these thoughts are just my mind trying to be cruel on me and so on, but nevertheless they are very real to me. And a huge problem.

It would be nice with a time-out.
Can someone please come and distract me a little?


~ by Methras on 4 March 2010.

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