To be a friend, or not to be. That is the question

As many of you know, I have been struggling a LOT with my mental state these last months. It is worse than I have ever experienced it before. It’s different, but still the same, only stronger. It is… Hard. The thing I need right now is people around me I can lean on, people I can depend on. People I can trust. I am very, very fragile and the smallest things changes my mood a lot. Why I am suddenly letting people inside my shield, my protective surface, and letting them see my core, seeing the vulnerability and  so on is very scary for me, but I know I have to do it. It’s like… When the phantom of the opera takes of his mask so people could see what he looks like. The reactions differ.

Friends are supposed to be there, right?

It is in the rough times you realize what people are really your friends. Who is there for you and who just… disappears. My sister is always there, I knew that from before. She refuses to stop caring, no matter how hard it is, even with two children to take care of. It makes me feel really guilty for forcing her through all this stress.

A friend I looked upon as one of my my best friends, is gone. Once the shit hit the fan, he was out of there pretty fast and I only hear from him if I contact him directly. Sure, I understand he got his own life to cope with and everything, but had the situation been the other way around, I know I would have stayed. And he is not alone. People has really distanced themselves from me in a way that I feel… offended? No… More disappointed.

Some people has really stepped up though. People I might not have appreciated enough before. The brave people, who can understand that I can not help everything I say or do right now, since both medications and my thoughts are affecting my judgement at times. And even if they don’t understand, they accept the situation and at least try to do something to help. Whatever it is they think they can do.

Friendship is based on love.
It’s all about making an effort.

Can you call someone who is not willing to do a small effort for you, when you really need it, a friend? Or a person who is only willing to be there for you when everything is a dance on roses? Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I demand too much from my friends and expect them to be something they are not. But I expect people, friends or foes, to keep their word. Be honest about things to me and do as they have promised.

I have a big problem I am not going to go into details on, and one of my friends is able to help me. But he can’t be fucked. Well, I AM asking a lot from him, but it would take him 30 minutes and I know he wants to do it, but he just… doesn’t. Does that make him a bad friend, or me too sensitive? I actually can’t judge that right now.

And the biggest problem in all of this is my emotional reaction. When someone denies me something or disappoint me, I feel rejected. And being rejected is one of the most horrible feeling in my book. It’s pure torture. There is no difference in my fucked up little head between someone rejecting me and someone telling me I’m a worthless piece of garbage they just cant be fucked to have anything to do with and that they hope I kill myself sooner rather than later. That’s how it feels.

I feel this is turning out to be a rant, a lot of words saying very little.
And I am getting very tired.
Good night.


~ by Methras on 4 March 2010.

One Response to “To be a friend, or not to be. That is the question”

  1. I can definitely relate. While it’s good to surround yourself with stable people you also have to find a happy medium between always wanting to be alone and always wanting someone around which is a common conflict for me and most that suffer from depression.

    The definition of friend, I’ve come to realize differs based on the two unique people in that friendship; what you call an acquaintance I may call a friendship and vice versa, I guess that’s most important is that you know the limits and boundaries of that relationship so you’re not let down or disappointed say for instance when you ask a “friend” to do you a favor that in your mind is minuscule.

    Good luck!

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