I love that word. Ambivalence. It describes very well how I am feeling oh so often. Don’t ask me why, if I knew I would tell. For those of you who might know the meaning of this lovely word I will take the opportunity to teach you something new.

am·biv·a·lence [am-biv-uh-luhns]
uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

Ambivalence is a state of having simultaneous, conflicting feelings toward a person or thing. Stated another way, ambivalence is the experience of having thoughts and emotions of both positive and negative valence toward someone or something. Ambivalence is experienced as psychologically unpleasant when the positive and negative aspects of a subject are both present in a person’s mind at the same time. This state can lead to avoidance or procrastination, or to deliberate attempts to resolve the ambivalence. When the situation does not require a decision to be made, people experience less discomfort even when feeling ambivalent.

Enough with the lecturing and back to the writing. This is basically how I feel about my life all the time. I both love it right now, but yet I can’t help loathing it as well. Much has happened since I last wrote. I am working again, doing a proper job. It’s exhausting and yet fills my days with doing something meaningful instead of just sitting at home doing nothing. But then again I hate working. I feel like I’m not doing anything else. I don’t have time to enjoy myself at all. And the days I’m actually at home with time to spare doing anything, I just waste the day doing absolutely nothing at all…

It’s a long time since I wrote here. so much has happened, yet so little.

I am still fighting myself. I know I am doing the right thing sticking to my work, doing a good job at it as well. Yet the destructive part of me is screaming for some attention. I catch myself longing to ruin something… My work, my body… anything. I constantly feel the urge to hurt myself. The urge to get drunk to the point where I don’t know what I am doing. Go out and get myself into a fight. Something destructive, something stupid. Drugs. Anything. But I’m not. I am ignoring the little devil, locking him away as well as I can. But it scares me. Keeps me constantly reminded how fragile I am. But at the same time I am strong. I am resisting! That ought to count for something.

But in the middle of this I am still happy. Sort of.
I don’t know. It’s complicated.


~ by Methras on 14 August 2010.

One Response to “Ambivalent”

  1. Yay for you blogging again! 😀 *hugs*

    I know the feeling. It’s great to earn money and have something useful to do and at the same time I miss being at home with the cat. I’ve also realised I stress very easily and especially being around people all day – that in itself is a stressor! Makes it veeeeeeeery easy to put on weight and veeeeery difficult to try and get rid of it! I managed to lose like 10kg last year… when I was mainly at home in my own stress-free world. Since then, I’ve put on like 15. Godsdamnit!

    Oh and btw, your blog can has awards. 🙂

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