… comes in many forms. I am very good at the most of them. Maybe not intentional, that would just be silly. But when thinking, I can see that I have done much without even noticing that is indeed very destructive.

Economic Destruction
This is probably what I am best at. Buying stuff on impulse is OK, as long as it’s a chocolate or perhaps a soda. I am more of the “Hey, let’s buy 5 new video games” kind of guy. Then, of course, I go broke very fast and suddenly I can’t pay the bills I had intended. By that time it’s too depressing to even open the letters and suddenly the pile of letters was also very depressing to watch every day. So I put all of them a place I can’t see them. The garbage bin. Unfortunately those letters are like rabbits. Once you get two, they tend to multiply. Fast. This tend to have a rather bad effect on the economy so when I get back on my feet and try to sort it all out, it’s just about as much fun as scrubbing your floor with a toothbrush. This one is under much better control now than it was before by using the strictest bank in the world – The Sister Bank. I transfer my money to an account she controls and then she decides how the money are spent. And if, by any chance, I manage to “forget” to transfer them, well… Let’s just say I won’t forget to transfer my money.

Emotional Destruction
This comes in a very close second on my “Yay, this is a good idea”-list. And this is absolutely not conscious because this is probably the thing I hate the most and struggle the most with. I tend to get interested in people that I know up-front that I have no chance of getting. Either they are straight, not single, waaaay out of my league or just not interested in me. They all have one fact in common and that is that they are not available to me and the knowledge that I will never have them somehow triggers my fucking emotions to start working. I’ve seen this in many guys I’ve fallen deeply in love with… For once it would have been nice to actually find someone I love that love me back. This is probably the one side of my self-destruction that I have the least control of, so obviously it’s the one bothering me the most. I usually have time to stop my self before it gets out of control but it’s still very annoying. Another thing I am very good at doing is to create situations where I get hurt or rejected. Because I know rejection is the one feeling that I do not know how to handle and actually gives me a sharp pain in the stomach, like someone is stabbing me with a knife. Very efficient when you really want to self-destruct in a different manner. And extremely frustrating afterward.

Physical Destruction
This was a bigger problem than it is now. Even though this is probably the one I am fighting the most as well. The desire to hurt myself, punish myself, transfer my pain or just dull it. I am including my fondness of pills here too. Well, I’m not an addict nor do I do illegal drugs but I enjoy the easy way out sometimes. But mostly this is limited to inflicting physical pain to achieve something. Or eating too much. Or too little. Or, as my stepmother would say, by smoking. Aaaanyhow. Inflicting damage or pain on your own body using different methods. Or just exposing yourself to huge risks. Being gay and everything this is very easily done by having a lot of unprotected sex. If you are really “lucky” you can experience all kind of interesting things in areas… Enough about this.

Environmental Destruction
This includes, but is not limited to, letting the area around you slowly but steadily decaying into your own prison of chaos. Or create a hostile environment or by some other action making sure that you have no chance of actually getting the possibility to enjoy yourself, relax or have fun because the first thing you see and the last thing you see every single day is the concrete manifestation of your own mind and thoughts. Cozy. I am very good at this as well. At least I notice this while doing it, I just can’t manage to find the energy to do anything about it. And the longer I postpone doing anything about it, the worse it gets and the more energy does it take to do anything about it. And of course, the worse it gets the less energy I have. It’s a one-way ticket to depression land.

Social Destruction
This might be one of the areas it’s the hardest to notice what you are doing until it’s too late. Basically there are three extremely efficient ways of completely ruining your social life.
* You confide in everyone. Every single person you meet you unload your problems on to the point where they want to run away screaming just because they feel they get dragged down into the depth with you. It’s like trying to save someone from drowning and end up being the one drowned. If people around you stay then they are either doing it out of pity or because the person is struggling too and are using you as a kind of destruction of his/her own. Either way this is a bad move and something that should be avoided. I am very good at avoiding this.
* You confide in no one. You stay silent, shut down. The “Clam effect” and you probably start avoiding other people to prevent the first thing to happen. I am very good at doing this, isolating myself from everyone to “save” them from actually having to be in my company. Usually people tend to take this as a rejection, a sign that you don’t want to have contact with them anymore and they will find a new person to fill the spot you used to have. Soon you will realize you are no longer invited to parties, dinners and so on because you have alienated everyone around you.
* The Explosion. You put on your bravest face a meet the world each day with the intent that no one shall notice how you are feeling. By doing this you are just suppressing your feelings while being around other people, but they will come out to haunt you later. This might end very bad because suddenly you can not hold the act anymore. If people have had no warning and you suddenly transform into a trembling, anxious monster experiencing about every single feeling you can think of at once… They tend to be scared and disappear to prevent themselves from ending up in the same situation again.

Of course there are many other ways to completely ruin every single aspect of your social life too, but I find that generally these 3 are the traps I have stepped into most times.

This post became much longer than I had anticipated and I am sure I have missed out a lot of things, so it might come a part two.
Why did I write all of this? Do you really need to ask that question?


~ by Methras on 24 September 2010.

One Response to “Self-destruction…”

  1. See? That’s why it doesn’t work to just give someone a prescription for happy pills and tell them to go away and feel better. If you’re depressed, you need to actually TALK to someone, not be given substances to alter your brain’s chemistry to think it’s something when it’s not, and not actually sorting the problem out, just dampening the symptoms. BAH!

    The Sister Bank sounds like a good idea and a step in the right direction. *hugs*

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